I'm totally devoted to my dh, but that doesn't mean he doesn't tick me off sometimes.  There's a difference between being ticked off and not liking someone.  I mean, trust me, even in my most insane anger or hurt toward him I still love him more than I love myself.

So that's my disclaimer, because he really did make me angry last night.  I don't know what to do.  He did something good, but it took his time... time away from work and time away from family.  He was "fighting" with Senators about important stuff.  And he was good at it, too.  People were cheering, and Senators thanked him afterward.  He made headway for the right things, so it was good that he did that.

But I was angry, because he was gone so late.  And when he came home he spent five hours writing TWO emails.  Yes, two!  The first one took four hours of him researching, writing, and rewording, and in the end it wasn't even that long in length.  The research was what took him so long.  Sure, it was an email to a governmental big wig, but still.  All I see are clock hours.

Ten hours to be exact.

He worked for four hours, left early, and then spent ten hours working on this political cause.

I keep talking myself out of the anger by retelling myself about his success, his genius!  And about how important the cause is.  But I'm having a hard time talking myself out of him working late again tonight because he's "so far behind at work."

My sympathy level goes way down, because he took three hours off his workday yesterday by going to that political rally.  He also goes to work late.  (he has a flexible schedule).  Every night I ask him what his plans are for tomorrow.  "Go to work early." But he very often doesn't leave until after 9am, with an hour commute. 

So yeah, all that to say I'm ticked off that he spent so much time on politics, and then works late on a night when he needs to be home earlier (we have a meeting). 

The worst of it is that I don't if I should say anything of my anger.  Aferall, he's gone all the time for good reason.

This is my anonymous blog, because this is where I feel I don't need to hide.  Funny, because hardly anyone reads this blog.  I have a lot of friends reading my other one, but I don't want to be fully honest over there.

I'm hurting right now.  I'm scared.  Because these feelings of worthlessness, failure, hate, anger, and dissatisfaction just follow me around.  I'm sick of feeling like crap.  I'm a Christian.  I'm not supposed to feel like crap, am I?  Where's the joy?  Where's the peace?  Where's the faith?  These things just don't come to me anymore.

I have a secret rage inside of me that people know about but really don't actually know.  Every day I fantasize about running away.  Just leaving.  But I know once I get out of here all the shit is going to come with me, and I'm going to leave behind the best part of my life.  That's like throwing the cat away and saving the litter box.

So then I think, okay, what can I do about the crappy feelings?  I can cover them up, right?  Pop a few pills, get drunk, or just kill myself.  That will stop all the bad feelings, right?  But then I think about the people I know who've done that, and it only satisfies for a moment and then they're right back where they started, only worse off.  I've never been drunk or on drugs, but surely it's gotta be better than having the "perfect life" and still feel like crap.

I just want to cry all the time, because I feel so defeated, lonely, and hopeless, but I can't do anything about it.  I don't understand God anymore.  Man, I used to have the most freeing relationship with Him.  It couldn't be beat!  I absorbed the Word like a sponge, and I thought of nothing but laying down my life for the One whom I could trust with it!  Even when things weren't easy, at least I knew He was going to get me through.  I just don't know that anymore.  I know about it, but I don't know it. 

I was the opposite of religion back then, and entirely free to just relate to God.  But I got mixed up with too many religious people who told me how things are supposed to be, according to the scriptures.  And because I believe pretty much everything I hear, I bought the religion hook, line, and sinker.  And now I hate these people... I hate my own friends.  Because their influence ruined my life.  And they don't even know it.  They're happy in their religion.  I hate it.

I believed them when they said God's best is to trust Him with my womb.  He is the God who opens and closes the womb, right?  And He won't give us more than we can handle, right?  Well, why did I receive too many children all in a row, with no support system to take care of me as I take care of them?  As far as I'm concerned, I gave in to a skewed religious movement called Quiverfull (google it), and as much as I love the children I have, I regret the frequency in which they came to me.  I feel cheated and lied to.  And I wonder why God not only allowed me to be pregnant every year, but why He also gave me more than I can handle.

The Bible says He'll never give us more than we can handle.  So what are you going to say to me now? 

One woman I admire and respect, who has nine kids, told me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but that we often don't handle what He's given us in the will He designed for it to work out.  But that's when I come back to religion again.  Religion that says I have to homeschool and be a keeper at home and be in the world, not of it.  So when I start considering utilizing services such as private school, daycare, or working outside the home, the religion that has taken root in me say, "NO!  You're going to ruin your kids if you don't homeschool!  They'll become just like the other kids who are worldly and driven by peer pressure!"

So I just sit here in my prison, wishing to walk out, but can't because the enemy is whispering all these religious lies into my head saying, "Jail is the place to be.  It's safer in here."

I have trust issues with God all across the board.  I mean, if He is in control of everything, then why does He allow bad things to happen?  Why does He allow it.  I know bad things don't come from Him, but He obviously allows them to happen.  It's like He doesn't care.  And yet the Bible says, "He careth for you." 

I love Jesus so much.  I'm sick to think I can't relate with Him anymore.  And I know it's my fault.  Everything is my fault.

I am angry.

I don't like being home with the kids every day, all day.  I need variety.  I am often jealous of my dh because he gets to go to work, and be in all sorts of different places all the time.

I am angry because he had four days off due to the weekend, holiday, and inaguration, and he spent every day of it away doing this and that.  Today he's spending the entire day doing someone else's repairs for free.

I am angry because I get left with the kids like a convenient babysitter.  His life changes, ebbs and flows, and my life stays the same.  And I hate it.

Some people are dropping by today for different things.  When they ask me the standard "how are you" question, should I lie?

Yes. I should lie.

"I'm good."
"I'm fine."

Should I lie?